So, I'm pretty upset right now. I know it's stereo-typical. The classic, often American story of a mixed kid that can't figure out who they really are. Okay. You've all seen the movies. You've all read the touching novels. Hallmark. Okay. So that's where I'm at.
I was raised white with a dash of Filipinas running around. Just aunts and things. My white grandparents raised five kids. Of the five, four are married to, have been married to, or have been engaged to Filipinos. So they've been around a little bit, but not much.
Yet, when I look in the mirror, the girl looking back at me doesn't look like them. I don't look like anybody! I don't look like a Filipino; I don't exactly look like a white chick; and I DEFINITELY don't look like either of my parents.
But I'm half.
Half.
I feel like a poser when I say I'm Filipino. But I include it when I talk about being white.
I have biracial hair.
It makes me sad to know that I'm not the only one who knows next to nothing about my Filipino family. As I was talking to my mom, I realized that she probably knew less than I did. And she was married to one! But it makes me sad because she's all I have. My dad tells me a lot of things. But those things aren't always 100% accurate. Plus, there's the whole linguistic/communication barrier thing, in addition to the fact that he lives in Utah.
It makes me sad that my Lola (grandma) had her stroke (which rendered her unable to speak English) AFTER I was born. And I hadn't even had the chance to meet her! So when I did get to meet her, I couldn't even communicate with her! And I wasn't old enough to try to understand the broken speech and gestures that she used.
I guess, in a way, i'm upset about more than just me trying to figure out what race I am. I'm kinda upset about growing up lopsided. Only one half.
(Post Script: My mom did a heroic job raising me. I'm not blaming her for any of this. She did the best she could. It's just a sad sort of situation.)
(Post Script reference to the link: I'M NOT A FLIPPIN COOKIE!)
lets face it: you're chocolate milk cookie with a white milk chocolate fillings. I found it interesting how most of the "mixes" like you tend to get lost in this identity crisis.(it doesn't really happen in the white/hispanic mixed friends I know though)
ReplyDeletehey, baggy--you find who YOU are. the blood that runs through you is an important part of you, but remember that it is just a factor that goes into your individuality. there are many people that aren't so racially diverse that have this same problem.
ReplyDeletePS the picture you posted was on america's next top model and they painted on her skin color--she just asian!
I know! I'm so glad you got the irony of the picture! I was hoping someone would know where that came from.
ReplyDelete